#is the risk of 5 awkward months worth the reward. Maybe it is

[esteeayen]

Perhaps i should be writing down these conversations in my head that i’m crafting until they are spotlessly clever, because at the end of the day, i can write dialogue much better than i can “shoot my shot,” which consists at looking at you longingly & fumbling conversations in bars and elevators. and at this point i have enough pre-practiced dialogue content prepared for a small, yet rambling novel. but, then again, you’ve complimented my writing voice several times, so maybe there’s merit in making that voice vocal.

[fortheloveoffanfic]

Put Me In a Movie

Keanu Reeves x Reader (A/n- its been a while, I haven’t known how to carry the story forward, but recently had a burst of inspiration and wrote the next three chapters. Judging from the last chapter’s feedback, the events of this one isn’t going to be too satisfying.)

Summary Prologue  1   2   3  4  5  6 7  8  9  10  11  12  13

Warnings- Angst, angst and more angst

Chapter 14- Cut The Ropes And Let Me Fall

2 Months Later Filming had been through with Jackson’s yelling, “And that’s a wrap!” At the end of the last scene. The camera had stopped rolling, and wouldn’t again unless the need for re shoots arose and by the end of the week, Y/n and Keanu were carded to fly back to Los Angeles. But that wouldn’t be before a photo shoot for promotional pictures and the wrap party the night before their flights. 

By then, they’d managed to smoothen things out yet again, though, they hadn’t been left void of tension; every now and then, they’d reach a fork in the road, reminding them that things weren’t what they used to be. He’d say something a little too harsh or Y/n would get a bit too close, and for a few days, until one of them had decided that it was time to forget, they’d toe around each other, desperately avoiding any kind of serious talk. 

But, despite the awkwardness, things were surprisingly good too. The highs were higher than they used to be. Keanu had mostly forgone his suite, falling asleep next to Y/n most nights, and they would wake up tangled in each other’s embrace the next morning. It was nice, and was worth the bursts of tension, that served as tormenting punctuation.

“You look cute in this,” Keanu slowly sauntered towards Y/n in the now empty dressing room, immediately taking her in his arms, bending to nuzzle her cheek, "You should keep this blouse," he tugged on the fabric of the lace crop top, which generously boasted her cleavage, the color standing out on her skin.

"Maybe I'll ask if I can," Y/n giggled, looking at their reflections in the lengthy mirror mounted to the wall. Her manicured nails skimmed his forearms, clad in leather, leaning her head back on his shoulder. 

Quickly kissing her, Keanu let his touch invade the scalloped hem, inching upwards suggestively, "How long do we have before the shoot?" The mumbled inquisition was muffled as his ministrations traveled lower; behind her ear lobe, lower down her jaw and along the delicate column of her neck. 

"Not long enough," with wavering restraint, Y/n tried to untangle herself from Keanu's affectionate embrace. He'd still insisted on keeping their entanglement under wraps, hiding things from the press and their co workers. Of course, there'd been a few close calls; pictures taken displaying compromising positions and mummers on social media, but even then, their respective publicists had been able to spin the stories to suit their narratives. Y/n and Keanu were close, comfortable friends, who'd grown used to intimacy on set; there was nothing more between them. Each time, it had stung and Y/n couldn't help but feel like his dirty little secret during those periods. But alas, if she wanted him, she'd have to compromise. That was how relationships worked, right?

Even if what they shared was never really a relationship.

Wiggling and turning in his embrace, Y/n gently pushed on Keanu’s chest, biting half her lip as her eyes sparkled, clearly wanting things to continue, just as much as he did, “As much as I want to, we have maybe ten minutes-”

“I’m sure we can make that work,” Keanu leaned in, trying to kiss her again, “Besides, who cares if we're a little late huh? We’re the stars babygirl, they aren’t gonna start without us. Now come on,” dismissing her objecting, outstretched arms, Keanu closed the space, finding her lips in a breath-stealing, hungry kiss, already pawing as the button of her jeans.

“Is the door locked?” Breathless, Y/n spoke against her lips, smiling at how his beard scratched her face. Y/n was already in the process of finding the lapels of his jacket, ready to push it off his broad shoulders, when, answering her question instead of Keanu, was the sound of someone opening the door.

“Places in- '' Jackson stopped abruptly upon seeing them, and frazzled they instantly sprang apart. Immediately, Keanu folded his arms, backing away hastily to put some space between them while Y/n slumped against the edge of the counter, where various products had remained scattered. After months of hiding things, they’d gotten caught on their very last day on set. “I knew it!” Smirking defiantly, Jackson propped himself on the door-frame, “You two,” he pointed between them, “Are good actors, but terrible liars. Especially you,” he pointed accusingly to Keanu, who went all red in the cheeks, barely saved by his scruff covering half his face. 

“What?” Y/n croaked, her throat suddenly dry and her voice hoarse. She was fine with being discovered, but Keanu, she couldn’t tell what he’d do when they were alone. Maybe he’d decide that she wasn’t worth the risk. Maybe she should get to decide if he was worth another round of tears. “You knew?”

“Of course I knew,” maybe their resident mad genius wasn’t as mad and out of touch as they’d made him out to be. It was always the ones you didn’t suspect anyway. “Those little looks that you two share, the very realistic kisses. At first, I thought I’d struck a chemistry goldmine,” chuckling, Jackson shook his head, pushing up his glasses with his pointer, “But there was something about the way you hold her,” he turned to Keanu, his features softening, “I’d never seen in something,” making an elaborate gesture with his hands, Jackson searched the ceiling for the right word, “Manufactured.”

“I…..” She could tell he was flustered and uncomfortable, even from where she stood, almost two feet away. Keanu would have done everything to keep their so-called relationship in a box, away from the outside, away from something that would make it real.

Saving Keanu the trouble of having to find an excuse to deter his suspicions, Jackson's ability to be sociable left as quickly as it came, and in no time, he was back to his skittish, borderline intolerable self, “Well,” he clapped his hands dramatically, “I hope you two can keep up this momentum, it’ll be fantastic for press. We can tell the media that working together sparked your love and now, you’re inseparable, I’ll run in by the publicists,” already he was walking out of the room, expecting Y/n and Keanu to follow him, something they’d only caught up on when he’d already started down the long hall. Before they joined Jackson, Y/n tried to catch Keanu’s gaze, hoping to gauge his reaction, but he was actively avoiding her face, and that in itself was enough to tell her that he was not okay with what had gone down. 

“Your relationship is going to be a great selling point,” he continued, not caring for their objections, his mind already made up, “But anyways,” they’d just broken off onto the main floor, where things were already set up for the photo shoot, “We should get into the shoot, we’ve only got this guy for a couple hours, Gary had an emergency back home,” Jackson explained briskly, “But thankfully, Lucas here is an amazing photographer. Lucas!” Jackson snapped his fingers, beckoning over a tall, blonde figure.

When Y/n saw his face, she gasped, and she could have sworn that it was impossible for her jaw to not hit the floor. As if things couldn’t get worse. “It’s actually just…..” upon seeing her, he seemed just as shocked, though Y/n supposed that he should have had the upper hand, considering he should have known what movie he’d be doing the pictures for. “It’s just Luke,” he finished, shaking his head, looking bewildered, “Y/n.”

“Luke, you’re….” at a loss for words, Y/n couldn’t help but long for a spontaneous split in the earth to swallow her up and dump her straight into hell. At least there she wouldn’t have to deal with awkward situations with her current ‘sort of’ boyfriend and a ‘sort of ex-boyfriend’ that she’d never officially broken up with. “You’re doing the shoot?”

Clearing his throat, he rubbed the back of his neck, clearly as uncomfortable with it as she was, “I am, Y/n-”

“Well, lady and gents,” Jackson interrupted, apparently not noting the tension, “We’ve only got this place for a few more hours, so we should get started.”

“Yeah, okay,” Keanu was the one who’d spoken, and it was the first time since he’d been cut off by Jackson in the dressing in the dressing room that he’d even opened his mouth, two words said in a tone that was perfectly u readable, “Let’s do this,” without another word, he walked off in the direction of the set up, not even offering a backwards glance.

Y/n was about to break off from the group and do the same, when, just as Jackson moved away, Luke grabbed her arm in a loose grip, “Hey,” he offered her a faltering, faint smile, “Can we talk after?” 

His eyes were pleading, though, just as Y/n was going to tell him that they could, Jackson circled back, “Oh and Lucas,” he’d already completely forgotten, or perhaps he just wasn’t listening, Luke’s clarification of his name, “Get some some good ones of the happy couple.”

“Couple?” His gaze still penetrated Y/n’s sickened expression, though his brows now falling as hope drained from his face, “Right”

“Luke-”

“You know what?” He mustered up a brave face to hide his hurt, letting go of her arm and taking two steps back, “Never mind, let’s just get this done, okay?” And when she nodded, not really knowing how to remedy anything that had happened in the past thirty minutes, he turned away, “Great.”

Great?

No, it wasn’t great. Not really.

Music throbbed in his chest and the air was ignited by a buzz fueled by freely flowing alcohol and the relaxed, carefree demeanor of the cast and crew alike. Filming was finally over, they’d put in the hard work and they'd reap the rewards in about four or five months. He should have been enjoying the party like everyone else, but Keanu just couldn't.

So, instead, he'd gone out through the back of the club, lighting a cigarette between his lips and holding a half finished beer in his free hand. Since earlier that day, when Jackson had caught him and Y/n almost in the act, his mind had been bombarded with a flurry of thoughts. He was the one that had wanted what they had hidden, while simultaneously, Keanu was also the one making it glaringly obvious. That wasn't what he wanted; Y/n was making a fool of him, and fools got hurt. 

Keanu didn't want to get hurt.

Things had only gone even further downhill during the photo shoot and Keanu could tell that it was taking everything in Luke to not take a swing at him. Keanu couldn't blame him, if the roles were reversed he might have done the same. Y/n was……..absolutely astounding. She was breathtakingly gorgeous, incredibly intelligent and had a one in a million personality. She worth punches. She was worth more than he could give. Because as hard as Keanu had tried to convince himself that they could work, he knew that he was just postponing the inevitable. He couldn't be with her forever, he wasn't the forever kind of man and her affections already ran deeper than his by far. 

He couldn't do that to her anymore.

The fun was over.

Taking a pull from his smoke, blowing out a white puff seconds later, Keanu barely turned when the heavy iron door behind him in the dark alley way dragged open with a definitive wail. He knew who it was without even looking, he could smell her perfume, clinging to her satin skin and the shimmery black, mini slip dress that she'd slid into before they left her hotel room. He'd had her in that dress, while it was bunched up over her stomach and she was pressed against the wall of the living room, just before they'd left for the party. If only Keanu had known it was the last time he'd lay hands on Y/n again, he might have savored it more.

"You've been out here for a while," he knew that she'd picked up on his pensive mood a while ago, and though he hadn't asked, and not had she told him, Keanu could tell that there was something weighing heavy on Y/n's mind.

"I wanted a cigarette," he huffed, blowing out another cloud, finally glancing her way when she came to stand beside him, staying a few inches away. "Shouldn't you be inside?"

"Yeah," she chortled halfheartedly, rolling her eyes, taking a punctuating sip from her red disposable cup, "Shouldn't you?"

"I told you-"

"I heard you before," when Y/n cut him off, Keanu could sense a new malice in her voice, and growing defensive, he wondered where it came from.

"What's your problem?" He rolled his eyes, taking one last drag from the stub before tossing it to the ground and putting it out with the toe of his worn brown boot.

As it seemed, Keanu wasn't the only one putting up unwarranted defenses that night, as Y/n shot back, "My problem?" Moving around so he'd be forced to look at her, Y/n licked her lips, shaking her head, "You're the one who's been icing his girlfriend out."

And just like that, just as he fired his last, shitty attempt of a defense mechanism, Keanu chuckled dryly, not even thinking as he spoke, "You're not my girlfriend." Though, the minute he caught his foot in his mouth, Keanu tried to clarify, "Fuck, that's not-"

But it was too late, it was already out there and Keanu's words had hit Y/n like a bullet to the chest, "What?" Her anger, chased with insurmountable hurt and swirling confusion flared, driving what came next, "That's not what you meant?" She mocked, trying to suppress a sniffle, "What did you mean, huh? Did you mean that I'm just some girl you're fucking cause its convenient? Or did you mean that you were still seeing were this is going, and so far, it's not going like I'm your girlfriend," she took a breath, gathering her thoughts, "Well newsflash Keanu, maybe that's a good thing, maybe I don't want to be your fucking girlfriend!"

Her words were angry, but he could see past it, the cracks in her exterior shining through to show her pain. The tears in her ears, the break in her throat. Yet still, he didn't sympathize. If they were going to be like that then it was every man for themselves. "Well maybe that's good!" He yelled, not caring if anyone would hear them over the music, "Cause this isn't working for me."

"This isn't working for you?" Y/n repeated incredulously, "It was working for today, when you wanted to fuck me over a makeup table. It was working for you when we fucked while the car was waiting for us downstairs, right before we came here. God you're so…..ugh!" Through with it, ready to just be alone with her hurt, Y/n tossed her cup at him, watching as it bounced off his chest, the alcohol soaking his front, "You know, everyone thinks you're such a nice guy, but really, you're just another asshole. No wonder you're alone."

"I-" But his argument was muted, for in just seconds, Y/n was gone through the door again, slamming it on her way in, leaving Keanu to curse at the cold air as he spun and tossed his bottle to the grimy wall, the smashing filling his ears. That was it, they were over, and on his terms too. He'd been the one to pick the fight, fan the flame. Keanu wanted that, he wanted to be done so he could move on without falling too deep. And for a while, he'd told himself it would be easy because really, he'd barely let Y/n scratch his surface. 

A breakup was what he wanted. But as he stood there, face hot and eyes stinging by surprise, Keanu couldn't quite decipher why it hurt so bad. Why his breath had gone so ragged, why tears were falling down his face. Why his heart felt like it was breaking. 

*****

Tagging- @harrisongslimited​  @paanchu786​  @thesadvampire​  @fanficsrusz​  @fickensteinn​  @ladyreapermc​  @babygirltaina​  @septimaseverina​  @snatchedbylele​  @omg-imagine @21stcenturyyfoxx​  @magnificentclodpiebanana @allie1804-fan @keandrews  @greenmanalishi  @rdjloverxxx​ @danceoftwowolves

[irweenie-blog1]

the prey wore black jeans - 1. | m.c.

I took my eyes off the stone path leading to the disturbingly modern skyscraper, which turned the city into a victim of visual pollution, and shot a prejudiced glance at the displeasing mirror wall of the building. Although I didn't have anything to do with the hippies who antagonized any presence that caused carbon emmission, this emetic pile of iron with its atmosphere of post-modern-modern-or-whatever did nothing but to corrupt my visual liking. I let my lips form into a smile as I passed by a group of chatting smokers and steered for the reception, ignoring the smell of high welfare standards filling my nostrils.

"Dorien Enterprise, Mademoiselle Maximova." Sliding it back up on my shoulders, I fastened my bag, which was ready to revolt at any moment. "I'm here to see Monsieur Baudin."

The man led me to the security check after he reached for the handset and received Baudin's confirmation. I gave into an ironic smile as I passed through what I knew for sure was the most expensive metal detector I'd ever seen.

After all, which decent contract killer would come to his employer's office armed?

Although I did try to ease the adrenaline that infected my system with the famous breathing techniques of my former chorister whilst I got off of the elevator, knowing that a six-second inhale followed by an eight-second exhale or any other "relaxation technique" for that matter worked had spared me the disappointment and the additional panic. I walked through the glass door, upon which an enormous sign of "Dorien Enterprise" was affixed, and straightening my back I followed the employee who took me to what I presumed was the warm room of Monsieur Baudin.

"Madame Maximova."

I corrected Baudin, whose hoarse speech echoed in the room that created a chic coherence with his Brioni suit, with a degree of discomfort showing through my tone of voice as he gestured the employee to close the door on his way out. "Matmazel."

As I headed for the velvet sofa in front of his desk, taken aback by how black his raised up arch-shaped eyebrows were, I pushed away the delight of hearing the sound indicating of my low heeled Louboutins' meeting the marble floor; I could have sworn there were better times to feel professionally cool about myself and actually enjoy it as someone who couldn't legally consume alcohol in the States.

"Forgive my indiscretion, Mademoiselle." I shuffled uncomfortably thinking about how even the smile on his face was high end, an employer of such influence was the equivalent of hitting the jackpot for most people; in my line of work however, it meant nothing but a thirst for danger. For all that, there was probably an amount of money sufficient to make me ignore the bells of danger sounding in my ear at the end of the job. He was dangerous, but profitable. Above that, I had the right not to accept the job offer.

In any case, I wouldn't lose anything for just sitting there for five more minutes and hearing this guy out.

"Eh..." I couldn't help but notice his discontent as he scanned me with his grey eyes. "This is a bit awkward."

I responded to the words I wasn't expecting from this Mr. Baudin, who was radiating high frequency charisma, by raising my eyebrows. My silence would make him speak.

"I had never employed anyone from your line of work." he joked. "I normally employ people who're experienced in public relations."

I set aside my policy of remaining silent to make the guy get to the point, who, despite the conspicuity that he chose his words well, couldn't hide the fact that he was too hesitant about what he was going to say. "Tell me about your target Monsieur Baudin."

I could feel the uncertainty of the troubles an employer like this could get me in spark up, synchronously wondering how big of a friend at court this guy was subject to to be a senior manager as he tossed me a file: a guy who he kept such an information in a place so prone to theft.

"Michael Gordon Clifford." I shuffled through the pictures without glancing at Baudin, thinking about how young he was in comparison to my previous targets. My brain had failed to spot the source of the familiarty although the young man seemed partially familiar to me.

"He plays in a band known worldwide." I looked at Baudin, filling my lungs at the comfort of getting the answer to the question that had been itching my brain. "5 Seconds of Summer, made an impact with the album they recorded four years ago. As of the moment, Clifford lives in Lightkeep with his friends and they don't have any tour plans for the next five months."

I tried to imagine the amount of money worth all this risk, the trouble I encountered while I was complaining about my employer being so under the spotlight dragging me into panic, if I really needed that much money was also open to doubt.

"What's in it for me  for taking such a risk?"

"I heard your average wage is twenty grand."

I nodded.

"My offer is-" He paused in hesitation. "Hundred eighty."

I weighed in my mind if I could raise the offer, questioning the source of such hatred Monsieur Baudin, who offered me the eightfold of what I earned from a single job, had for the guitarist of a boyband. Someone who was ready to pay this much could very well be willing to pay more; on the other hand, it was quite possible for my employers to be mentally unstable and I could get kicked out because of the smallest mistake. Although getting the same amount I made in two years at once was a big chance, the risk I would take by taking the job was of equally great proportions.

Even so, you could never avoid danger in my line of work. Danger was danger after all.

"Five." I said, finally making up my mind. I wasn't so sure if raising the offer by this much was sensible, Baudin fortunately didn't seem too angry. Still, it was obvious that I'd hit him where didn't expect. "You pay for the flight."

"You're bluffing." He was either a very shitty actor, or didn't bother to hide the influence of the shock mixed with the hesitation he was under.

"Try me."

Was I too pretentious? Maybe. Nevertheless, it comforted me that it wasn't anyone else but me sitting before him at that very moment. Baudin had already chosen me when he had decided to hire someone from Rhode Island for a job in Minnesota.

"You're still bluffing."

I didn't answer.

"You're crazy." he said, almost amusingly. I raised my chin up, smiling challengingly as his eyes narrowed, measuring how serious I was. "You know what... I'll take it. Five thousand grand. By installments."

"Uh-uh." I shook my head. "Not possible."

"You must be out of your mind." He started objectingly. "How do I explain losing half a million at once?"

"Why is that my problem?"

"Because you can be damn sure I'll rat you out when they're at my tail."

"You're asking me to break the law."

"And breaking the law myself by doing so." He responded arguingly. "Five thousand dollars. Take it or leave it."

I got up, taking my bag and proceeding towards the office door, but the voice filled the room once again before I even could question my decision. "Fine. At once, after you finish."

Noticing his despair in the panic that filled his voice at the realisation of losing me, I wondered if my offer was too low; but I knew there was no reason for me to be greedy. I was going to accept the amount of money more than my five-year income in return for a little bit of extra danger and would reward myself with an incredible holiday.

"Deal." I glanced at the piece of paper he passed me.

"I don't sign contracts."

"How do you guarantee that I'll pay you?"

"How do you guarantee that I won't rat you out?"

"I thought you needed some sort of security."

I flashed an abasing glance at Baudin as my jeering laughter echoed in the room. "Why? So that a dozen cops break into your room to find solid evidence to offer at court, or that I can sue you ,f you don't pay me?"

I wasn't sure if how the guy who paused to intellectualise what I'd said hadn't taken this into account was supposed to amuse me or alarm me, knowing that I'd just made a deal with such an idiot. "You're right. No contract. You fly to Minnesota on saturday."

"Okay."

"One more thing..." He spoke, narrowing his eyes as he spun confidenly as though he was saying his last words. "You have one hundred one days starting today."

I raised my brows. "Why exactly?"

"Because I want it to be so."

"Don't you think it's a little... too much?"

"One hundred one days. Not a day more, not a day less."

"Alright, what do you suggest that I do on the remaining ninety six days?"

"Keep an eye on him. I'll call you regarding your flight until saturday."

"Clear enough." I said, straightening my back again. "Fly to Lightkeep, don't take your eyes off of him for ninety six days. And on the hundred first day..."

Though I didn't externalise how the spark that shone in his eyes as Baudin completed my sentence creeped me out, I would be kidding myself if I said that it didn't make me question my decision- and it was undue and misleading to kid myself when there were so many people to kid instead. His words surrounded the room with a timbre I could almost describe as delighted.  "...Kill Michael Clifford."

[kurlykayaker]

Reflection. 4-2-19

Tonight - marks the first day, that I have ever shared some deep, deep poetry with a room full of people I do not know; I did not know one single person in that room and I arrived to the location alone, unaccompanied by a friend. (Looking back, maybe a stupid idea? Haha) It was unplanned. I was studying there and decided to “just do it.” “Fuck it, I thought. What do I have to lose?”  And in some ways, in the back of my head, whenever we make some decisions, we have everything to lose. I entered that coffee shop - slightly moody, tired, and unmotivated to study; but the tones and vibes of the place always motivate me to study, to work harder - and to stay calm. I shared 3 poems total - one about the boy with Down Syndrome (on here), and two other trans related poems- both pretty intense (re: how you see me, and 11-7-2014).  I was nervous and I imagine that’s something I could get past if I wanted to keep sharing my poetry at events like this. I used to get very nervous just talking to people and giving speeches, but lots of college and time has weathered me well. I guess I thought sharing my poetry would feel liberating? That somehow, the deep dark intensity of what I’ve experienced in life would melt through the Earth and turn into something more beautiful?...As indicated by the question marks, I did not feel that. I did not feel that.   I stayed a bit awhile after reading, to listen to other people share.  I’m a big believer in courtesy and I think leaving right after I read would an act of selfishness.  Eventually, I did leave and a bucket full of feelings kind of washed over my semi-nervous being.  Guilt, an awkward surge of indulgent guilt and maybe shame?  For sharing such deep emotions - with power and eloquence- when most people don’t have to go through such things.  I asked myself, “Why did I impose these feelings on others?” A knee-jerk reflex. (Nerve root L3-L4, Quadriceps muscle).  Haha.  Seriously, though.  The only “safe” places for me to share such emotion is on an “anonymous” website like this, in a counselor’s office, sometimes on the phone with a family member,...and on night walks with myself and the presence of my father.  I guess it is no surprise that I feel an overwhelming amount of self-indulgence about a) sharing these emotions and also b) the intensity and depth of them. There’s been a lot of beauty that has come from writing pretty much everyday, but there’s also been a lot of tenderness, vulnerability - which I can handle.  Perhaps at some point, especially with trauma, we arrive to a point of pain?  In physical therapy, we talk about pain so much - nociceptive pain, phantom limb, musculoskeletal, referred - and we do talk about psychosomatic pain to some degree too.  Psychosomatic (which I don’t like this word usage) - possibly the hardest to “treat.” As my post yesterday was pretty heavy-dark-intense, very similar feelings of social isolation/being “alone” (in my context of the word) emanate from me tonight - sitting on my couch, short-clad, fan blowing - listening to calm music, taking some deep breaths. Have you ever cried dry tears?  Tears that come, but no fluid. Since being on testosterone, this is a common thing for me. It’s hard to explain. Often times, mid-way or multiple mid-ways, I get caught up in a Netflix series. I haven’t had a moment that like in the semester.  Partly, I am a) writing and working out more - (choosing more wholesome “well being” activities), but also I am b) really really enjoying my classes this semester -especially Chronic and Progressive (a neuro class) and pediatrics. Before deciding on PT school, I was between 3 professions - a) counselor b) a nurse and c) a physical therapist (in no particular order). I chose not to be a counselor, because I felt that working so closely with other people’s emotions would spark my own - in a negative aspect. I wouldn’t be able to keep myself safe emotionally and mentally.  Sometimes, I think I regret not being more open to the career?  It’s a mixed regret. After working in an ER for 5 years now, and seeing how *some* physicians treat nurses, I knew it wasn’t for me.  Once again, maybe I could have learned to go on autopilot - some?  <<I don’t think that’s possible for me.>> Haha (if you know me) Here we, are - option c.  I like that my future career affords me the ability to a) use science-based techniques and principles to help someone reach their goals - some of them very visible when they reach them b) moments to offer mental and emotional support (while not the crux of my job) and c) neurologically, an avenue for recovery, compensation, and prevention (there are terms we use in my neuro class).   It’s the fundamental science aspect of counseling - rehabilitating neuro patients; (Re- I firmly do believe that psychology is a science.)  A physical therapist is helping their brain literally make new synaptic connections. A PT is helping a patient believe in themselves - sometimes learning a completely new way to do something.  Sometimes, these goals can be met in relatively brief treatment sessions - sometimes, they takes weeks and weeks of long treatment sessions.  Regardless, I’m in and I’m devoted....and that brings me such inner motivation and joy to know that this could be so rewarding for me. (Re- my second full time clinical is in an inpatient neurological setting). When I was 13 years old- the semester after my dad passed, we had to write an English paper about “how if we could go back in time, how we would change something.”  It was like a creative paper based on past facts. I recall writing a paper about how I would have gone back in time, drove my parents’ car to my dad’s house, and got him to the hospital - for emergency care.  I remember rereading that paper as a high schooler and being amazed that little 13 year old Jordan understood - on a fucking deep level - what suicide was and how serious it was. When I was 15 years old, I thought I wanted to study English in college. My father had a Ph.D. in theology, my mother has a Master’s in Divinity and my stepdad does as well.  Smart fucking family, that loves words and God- basically. Haha.  I recall despising my English sophomore teacher; she was strict, she cut the room with her strained voice and constant frown.  We constantly had pop quizzes and she loved to remind us how hard it was to get a college scholarship unless we worked hard.  I felt the need to impress her?  Maybe?   We had to write a research paper our sophomore year; it was the first “research paper” we would do in our high school career.  I wanted to chose something that was interesting and meaningful to me, but at that time - I hated most science things.  What did I chose?  I wanted to write about Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRIs) and their impact on teenagers who were suicidal (re: increased risk of suicide during first few months of taking).  I recall my crabby uptight teacher looking at me and my topic and saying, “Are you sure you want to do this?  That’s pretty heavy.” All I did was nod, and say, “Yes.”  I laugh at that 15 year old kid; despite my overly shy, diffident personality, I knew what I wanted when I wanted to do it.  My mother stands by the same statement.   I suppose the reason this came up organically for me, is because suicide is more common than we realize.  The number of patients that come into the ED with suicidal thoughts- is a lot to say the least- of all ages (as young as 9 years old and up to 80+).  And, I and you, don’t have to be a mental health counselor to help someone.  We don’t have to go through a Master’s / Ph.D. program and get a license to be a positive influence on someone. Forms of trauma -> Brain injuries, Spinal Cord Injuries, unexpected neurological illnesses that occur for the myriad of reasons we don’t completely understand yet. The weight, the gravity, the intensity, damn.  Then, THEN - teaching them how to stand up again, how to use the toilet in a new way, how to get dressed, how to walk with these weird ass crutches (aka Loftstrands), how to not give a shit when you’re out in public (easier said than done), helping them understand what’s going on pathophysiologically without being a fucking robot.... I picture my father holding my hand and telling me to keep going...   because it’s so weird to be this close to being done with PT school - 1 year left (mostly clinical) and still have moments of such emptiness.  I guess I thought the feelings of “being alone” and feeling empty wouldn’t be *as bad* or perhaps less intense?   .....My mother says, “it’s an ebb and a flow.”  This is the one phrase I like, because having kayaked the whitewater rivers of the Earth and rafted, I identify with it so much (there’s really a literal meaning). there’s been so much ebb my kayak barely floating on this dry river, running into rock upon rock, the bank of the river is many feet worth inward, because the river and i     haven’t seen rain / for so long, “flow, flow, what is flow again?”, my heart asks. flow shouldn’t have to equate to working my ass off to get an 87.5 on a neuro exam, flow - organic, raw, rooted flow in the world we call “life” should bring moments of downpour happiness, excitement, connection so much of artificial flow is motivating myself, someday hoping i can find flow outside myself #oldsoul-lostmillenial

[findlocalonlinedating-com]

13 Simple Steps To Becoming A Better Man

Becoming A Better Man is About Doing Simple Things Well. And Doing Them Often. Every guy wants to be better, but very few actually achieve it. Becoming a better man isn’t about quick fixes or changes, but rather consistently taking simple steps over a long period of time that result in big changes. Some of these are basic fixes, others are more advanced. All of them, however, require you to take simple actions. This post is about those simple actions. The first section outlines the basic steps you should be taking right now. If you haven’t got these locked down, sort them out today. The second section outlines the advanced steps you can begin working on to develop long-term, lasting change in your life. Or, in another way of putting it: the basic steps are about taking care of yourself. The advanced steps are about taking care of your future. The Basic Steps: 1 – Read Challenge your opinions. Grow your identity. Become more interesting. Become more engaging. All of these come as a result of reading diverse books. This one couldn’t be simpler. Yet so many of us fail to do this. We get stuck staring at our phones or wasting hours on Netflix. When instead we could be doing something far more rewarding. Start reading a book today. Whether it’s classic fiction, philosophy, science, or politics – there are countless books you can read that will deepen your understanding of the world and yourself. If you find reading books intimidating – try reading just 10 pages per day. That’s incredibly achievable. And in one year you’ll have read 3650 pages. That’s like reading War and Peace twice. (Which isn’t actually a bad idea). When you’re reading that much you’ll find you have a hell of a lot to talk about. 2 – Meditate Want to understand yourself better? Getter a stronger handle on your emotions? Feel happier? Calmer? Better at making decisions? Start meditating and you’ll start building a foundation in all of the above. Don’t be turned off by thinking of it as some mystic ritual, check out apps like Headspace or Calm for an easy intro. Start doing this daily. 3 – Eat Well Eating bad food affects your life in countless ways. Not only does it make you gain weight and puts you at risk of health issues, but it’s also linked with depression. Start reducing the amount of processed, sugary foods in your diet, and move towards a diet of meat and vegetables. Cut out the soft drinks and replace them with water. Start slow, and you’ll quickly start looking and feeling better. 4 – Exercise Exercising takes everything you’re doing with your diet and amplifies it. The two go hand in hand. If you want to feel better, have greater health, and feel much calmer and more well rounded – start exercising today. It doesn’t matter what you do – boxing, rowing, weightlifting, rock climbing, or dancing. Pick something that uses your body, and start doing it weekly. 5 – Take care of your appearance Dressing well and grooming well are incredibly easy fixes that have an undeniable effect on your self-esteem. If you’re always looking like a slob, this starts to eat away at your opinion yourself. If you start wearing clothes that fit, in colors that suit you, and you start grooming your facial hair daily and get a decent haircut – this all will make you feel better and more confident in yourself. Instead of seeing a slob, you’ll see a guy who respects and takes care of himself. Because that’s exactly what you’re doing. And as another benefit, you’ll be that much more attractive. 6 – Have great hygiene The last basic to fix is hygiene. This one is obvious, but there are too many guys that get it wrong. Brush your teeth twice a day. Floss once per day. Shower once per day. Non-negotiable. You’ll look, feel, and smell better. Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s move on to the more advanced stuff. All of these are simple fixes, but they will require more effort. The Advanced Steps: 7 – Sort your finances out If you haven’t had money worries already, let me give you a spoiler for life: You don’t ever want money worries. This means you don’t want to have any debt, and you want to have good, solid spending habits that have you spending less money than you earn. Set realistic savings goals every month and stick to them. 20% of your monthly income is pretty ideal. 8 – Travel somewhere on your own A simple way to get some time to reflect on your life to date is to travel on your own. Not only are you spending a lot of time with just yourself and your reflections, but you’re also exposed to a different culture. In short, this forces you to leave your comfort zone and try new things. It forces you to reconsider who you think you are. If you’ve never done this before I strongly recommend it. Go somewhere that doesn’t speak the same language as you for added benefit. 9 – Work on something for 1 hour every day Every single guy I know who enjoys his life and lives it to a higher standard does this one simple thing: He spends time every day working on something just for him. Some do this learning coding, others do this learning DJing, another does this with writing. Whatever it is, he does this just for himself. Not for money. Not for validation fo any kind. Just for his own interests, and for the investment in himself. Whatever your interest is – maybe it’s writing, filmmaking, or designing board games (I know a guy who does this) – start spending time every day to work on it. 10 – Volunteer So far, everything you’ve done has been just for yourself. But studies show that helping other people is great for your psychological well-being, and life satisfaction. So I guess this one helps both you and everyone else. In fact, the quality of interpersonal connections was listed as the highest mark of life satisfaction there was. And this was in the Grant Study – the longest running study on human lives. Volunteering is a great way to expand your life, and add value to those with less. Many of us shrug this off, or think of it as something not worth doing, but try adding it into your monthly schedule and see the effect it has. 11 – Expand your social circle and dating life Your social life is enormously important to your wellbeing. Humans are social creatures, and loneliness can be fatal. This can often be fixed just by having better habits at organizing your social life. Arrange to meet friends weekly, attend more social hobbies or events, and spend more time with other people on a weekly basis. You don’t have to suddenly become a socialite, but paying better attention to how often you are socializing and putting more effort into it will slowly increase your happiness and slowly increase your social skills – a natural by-product of spending more time with people. It also will eventually and organically have you interacting with more women. Which, if you ask them out has an obvious, and easy benefit to your dating life. 12 – Practice gratitude I’ve left two of the most important til last. They’re also the easiest, but the ones that people most often overlook. Practicing gratitude is something that’s easy to dismiss as hokey, but in reality, it’s been shown to improve relationships, physical health, mental health, enhance empathy, reduce aggression, enhance sleep, and improve mental strength. Yeah. Not so hokey now. But beyond that – it makes sense. If you want to become a better man, you’re going to want to enjoy your life more. Leaving your mind to its default setting of only looking for where everything sucks isn’t going to help to you achieve that. Starting to consciously practice thinking about what you’re grateful for internally, within your life, and from others is an easy habit that slowly begins to alter the way you perceive your life – for the better. And all it starts with is a simple question: “What am I grateful for?” 13 – Practice acceptance Acceptance is the last one on the list. And in my opinion, the most important. Look, life is going to give you a raw deal. No matter what positives you have going for you, you’re going to, every now and again, drown in a sea of negatives. It happens. In fact, it’s guaranteed to happen. Some people get depression, some guys get hung up on being short, some people’s relationships end badly, some people get injured and can’t exercise in the same way they’d like to. It can be anything. But it’s often the internal problems that we get hung up on the most: We’re shy. We’re awkward. We aren’t cool enough. We feel insecure about our looks. All of these things eat away at us internally and make the experiences of our lives, and our choices, much worse. But here’s the thing: On some level, we are always choosing the way in which we interact with the negativity of life. Some of us pretend it isn’t there, others run from it, others try to drown it out. But we can also choose to accept it, and start acting despite it. Yes, we’re shy. But that’s okay. Yes, we’re insecure about our looks. But that’s okay. (After all who isn’t?) Acceptance is about consciously choosing the way we interact with all the crappy details of life so that instead of beating us down, we learn to let them pass us by. And it is in doing so, that we become a better man for it. http://dlvr.it/QqbjlC

[ulyssessklein]

Musical teamwork: the pillars of effective collaboration

10 things to remember when you’re working with other musicians.

I just got back from Oregon where I played the part of Peter Gabriel in a re-creation of his Secret World Live concert experience. A nine-person band, two hours of songs, custom-built set pieces and stage extensions, 3D image-mapping and projection, choreography, the list goes on.

It was one of the most involved shows I’ve ever participated in from a planning perspective. In the execution, it went even better than I’d imagined — and we had the audience dancing in the aisles from the start of the concert.

Afterwards, I wondered “How the hell did we just pull that off so well?”

Simple answer: teamwork.

As musicians, we can forget when we’re stressed or (worse) desperate, but effective musical teamwork is built on a few basic concepts:

1. Time is your greatest resource.

Athletes don’t just show up for the first game of the season. There’s months of practice (and sometimes pre-season games) beforehand. The same should go for any musical project or production.

I was asked almost a year in advance if I wanted to participate in this Peter Gabriel tribute. The personnel (music, lighting, design, production, PR, etc) had mostly all been determined nine months ahead of the target date for the show. And the show itself had been dreamed up and storyboarded even further back than that.

I watched the original Secret World Live film and listened to the album nonstop for months and months. So much that I still hear my daughter singing Peter Gabriel songs to herself while playing with her toys.

The date and venue — a beautiful concert hall in Portland called Revolution Hall — were locked in well in advance, and the team did several technical walk-throughs to measure stage dimensions, explore lighting options, etc.

We had two full weeks of rehearsal scheduled leading up to the show, in a practice space that had been taped-off to the exact dimensions of the stage.

We had two days with a choreographer.

We had three days with our sound engineer at the rehearsal space, dialing in individual mixes and effects.

There are a hundred other details that needed to be ironed out as well, and the only reason the ironing got done is because time was on our side.

Plan well in advance. Budget your time accordingly.

2. Work with reliable people.

My friend Anders, a fantastic drummer and one of the producers of the show, was the person that asked me to be the singer. I immediately told him the idea made me nervous because my voice sounds nothing like Peter Gabriel. Gabriel’s voice is somehow both raspy and full, even when singing higher tenor and falsetto lines. Mine is much… clearer. (Less of that cool, rock rasp).

Anders assured me that no one expected me to sing LIKE Peter Gabriel, but that I was being asked because I had the vocal range to cover both baritone and tenor vocal lines, and more importantly, he knew I’d do my homework and step into the role with conviction and my own sense of emotional delivery. I would show up prepared.

All that to say, Anders was counting on me to do SOMETHING good, even if it didn’t exactly mirror Peter Gabriel in delivery, and to not slow down the momentum in rehearsal, because I’d be ready to get to work. He could rely on me.

Same goes for everyone on the team, all fantastic musicians, technicians, builders, etc. But more important than talent was preparedness.

Be ready.

3. You’ve got to be MORE than talented and reliable.

So yeah, talent and reliability are crucial. But there’s something else that is just as important to your musical team’s ultimate success.

It’s tough to define because it’s different for each team member, but I’ll explain it this way: One of the guitarists also served as the musical director, one of our backup vocalists was an important part of getting people out to the show thanks to her network of friends and followers, the bassist knew about set design and fabrication, the drummer was in charge of van and gear rentals, and so forth.

You’ve gotta bring something to the table besides your immediate musical contribution. Web design? Writing skills for your press release? Photography? Deep pockets? Whatever it is, contribute something beyond your talent and dependability.

4. Get over yourself and take chances.

This probably sounds like a self-help cliché, but if you don’t put yourself into situations that challenge you, you aren’t going to grow.

For me (and for most of the band) there was an initial discomfort with replicating the theatricality of the show, which is all about bridging distances. There are awkward, suggestive, and joyous dance moves, dramatic duets, and plenty of moments when I’m singing on my knees at the front of the stage while staring into the eyes of individual audience members. I’ve never considered myself a naturally charismatic performer, I’m more of a workman-like singer-songwriter, but this role required that I push through my inhibitions in a way that was frightening (at first) and ultimately… freeing, engaging, successful.

The risk I took was showing up to practice ready to make a fool of myself, and to never nix ideas until we’d actually tried them. I think this helped everyone in the band get over themselves and just… dance.

I’m sure there’s a similar way in which you need to overcome something on your next big project, whether it’s writing a more vulnerable song, stepping out to the front of the stage for your solo, or risking rejection when you reach out to bloggers.

Risk it.

5. Delegate.

Once you’ve assembled a reliable team where each member has a particular skill set, it’s time to let go of the reins (a bit). There’s no way the three producers of the show could do everything themselves. So they had to trust that the set pieces would be built on time, that the band would be rehearsed, the PR campaign was underway, etc.

Of course they kept folks accountable with frequent check-ins, but they weren’t micro-managing.

That being said…

7. Every team needs leader(s).

We had three producers ultimately steering the ship. There’s a delicate but powerful balance that can happen when everyone takes ownership of their own area of expertise, while also feeling free to weigh in elsewhere.

With the “command structure” of this production, I deferred to the producers for the ultimate say, but one of our guitar players was tasked with musical direction, so it was his job to solidify the arrangements, make suggestions on everyone’s playing and singing, and so forth; I kinda took it upon myself to assist him with giving queues on stage (where solos end, when we exit a vamp, etc.) since I’m the guy wearing the bright outfit out front and all the players could see me. Our choreographer was in charge of movement, but everyone had input to shape the final show.

Anway, all this to say, it’s easier to make suggestions and collaborate when it’s clear who’s in charge of what, and who gets the final word.

7. Be clear about the rewards and penalties.

What does each person gain from contributing? Upfront money? A share of ongoing royalties? Fun? “Exposure?” What are you expecting? What should they expect of you? And just as important, what are you NOT responsible for?

What happens if you flake out, fail, or otherwise don’t deliver? Are there contingencies?

All of this should be communicated upfront. Terms, splits, payments, etc.

Contracts? Read ’em. If fair, sign ’em.

8. Use the tools.

You wouldn’t set out to create the next great EDM album with a 4-track cassette recorder and an acoustic guitar. (Well, maybe that WOULD be cool, but…)

You need the right tools to get the job done. For this production, with so much dancing, we needed the entire stage clear of monitors and cables, so everyone went with wireless in-ear monitors and wireless packs for their instruments. That required… a LOT of wireless packs, in-ears, plus those fancy antennas to broadcast all those signals. It also meant nine separate in-ear monitor mixes.

So we rented a bunch of gear, along with the same digital board that the venue has in-house. We brought it to our practice space along with all that other stuff to work out the tech and mixing details ahead of time, and saved the custom mix settings to load into the venue’s board on the day of show.

That’s just one of many examples of how we relied on a wide spectrum of tech (image mapping and projection, digital mixing, loops and samples, etc.) to make this show as good as it could be.

I don’t want this to sound like you need a billion dollars worth of the latest gear in order to be successful — in fact, Steve Lacy would tell you the opposite: start NOW with whatever you already have on-hand — but whatever tools you’re using, be sure they’re up for the task. This leads back to point #1: have adequate time to test and adjust.

If you don’t own what you need, call in favors, borrow, rent, or do that thing where you buy from Guitar Center and then return it after the gig (JUST KIDDING!)

9. Throw the Hail Mary.

Despite all the preparation, things will go wrong and you’ll have to scramble and improvise to navigate around the setback.

The only window of time our 3D-mapping expert could get into the venue to dial in his settings was the exact same time as soundcheck, so both processes were competing with one another, and both were delayed. This pushed right up to the time the doors were about to open.

It also meant we didn’t have time to do a cue-to-cue for every single song, which we’d planned to do with our sound, lighting, and projection teams. During the show, a few “important” lighting and projection sequences didn’t happen as planned.

I put “important” in quotes because you know what? No one in the audience knew any different. The music and performance had to carry the moment, and it did.

Things will go wrong. So be it. Roll with it. You might throw a desperate pass and win the game.

10. Celebrate, or at least post-game.

This Peter Gabriel tribute show I played was a success (bragging!) and we knew the moment we stepped off-stage that we’d done a good job. It was all love and congrats and celebration. That’s important. Striving to make a connection with music is a difficult path in life, and sometimes we’re too cool for our own good. It’s important, vital even, to sit on these little victories for a second and soak up the good feeling. (Those feelings might have to power you through some rough patches).

But even if your collaboration isn’t a smashing success, you should still rally the team afterwards, give thanks where thanks are due, figure out what could’ve been better, and assess how you’ll improve the next time around. Don’t just disperse into the night.

Win or lose, every team looks back on the game for lessons and a sense of camaraderie.

Have you had any successful collaborations lately? How about bad ones? Got any tips to share about musical teamwork? Let me know in the comments below.

[Picture of Real World Collective taken by Debra Penk.]

Here’s a video of one of our mellower tunes with stellar vocals from Margaret Wehr and some lovely audience participation at the end. Also, you can see some of our more animated songs HERE.

The post Musical teamwork: the pillars of effective collaboration appeared first on DIY Musician Blog.

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How and When to Break Up With a Bad Credit Card

This Valentine’s Day, you may be counting all the reasons you love that special someone in your life. Perhaps you’re sending an impressive bouquet of flowers or planning a romantic date night — but in any case, it’s time to evaluate another important piece of your life: you and your credit card’s courtship.

Signs It’s Time to Call It Quits With Your Credit Card

That piece of plastic in your wallet may have tempted you with a low introductory interest rate or a lucrative sign-up bonus — but now, you might have identified reasons that the credit card isn’t the right fit. Maybe the annual fee isn’t worth it. Maybe there are better options that will pay you more rewards based on your typical spending habits. Maybe your APR is well above the national average of 16.43%. And in a worst-case scenario, maybe you just noticed some suspicious charges on your card.

If your credit card doesn’t feel like a love match — or even a decent friend with benefits — there’s good news: you can break up with it.

1. Understand the impact of closing your card.

Breaking up with a credit card is a more serious decision than when you called it quits with that high school fling (you’re better off now, trust me). It will impact your credit score. Depending on your credit history, that impact may be significant. So before you move forward with your break-up plans, I recommend using a tool to see how it will change your credit score. Chase’s Credit Journey tool allows users to test what a range of hypothetical scenarios — including closing a card — will do to their credit scores. You’ll also be able to see your credit score for free.

2. Rearrange all your automatic payments.

Review all the automated payments linked to your credit card to make sure you don’t miss a due date. Image courtesy of Shinji Photographer via Getty Images.

If you’ve linked your credit card to make automatic monthly payments for your cell phone bill, your cable bill or other recurring expenses, you’ll want to cancel all those payments. Otherwise, you’ll have to deal with the awkward phone call from one of those companies asking what went wrong.

3. Pay or transfer your balance.

If you’re carrying a balance on your credit card, you won’t be able to leave it in the past. The best route is to pay your entire balance to turn the entire relationship into a distant memory. However, if you can’t pay down your entire debt, it’s important to compare the best options for balance transfers. The Chase Slate Card gives you 15 months of 0% interest and no transfer fee within the first 60 days. The Citi Simplicity Card will give you 21 months of interest-free financing, and the Amex EveryDay Credit Card from American Express offers 12 months of interest-free financing. Both cards come with a 3% balance transfer fee.

4. Review your available rewards.

While your credit card relationship may be coming to a close, take one more opportunity to celebrate the memories you had together by cashing in all your reward points — but note that points and miles already in a third-party account (such as a hotel or airline program) are yours to keep after you close a co-branded card. If you don’t have any reward points, take this moment to applaud yourself for the decision to call it quits. You’re going to find a card that makes you happier (see the final step).

5. Make the call.

Call your bank to close your credit card. Hopefully, the customer service team won’t give you too much pushback. Image courtesy of gradyreese via Getty Images.

While you can do almost anything online, closing your credit card isn’t as simple. In most cases, you’ll need to contact the customer service number on the back of your card. Be prepared for the potential pushback. We don’t want you to go, they’ll say. Perhaps they’ll even offer to be a better partner in personal finances by waiving an annual fee, but if you’ve made it this far, stay strong. Let them know you want to cancel your account. This may also be a good opportunity to ask about product changing to a no-fee version of the card, assuming you don’t mind keeping the account open — if the account number remains the same, you’ll continue to build credit history.

6. Monitor your credit report.

It may take a while for your credit report to reflect that the account has actually been closed. I recommend monitoring your report to make sure that the cancellation was successful. Federal law entitles you to a free annual report from each of the major three reporting agencies, so you can check on your report for free every four months by bouncing from one agency to the next.

7. Cut up your card.

Be sure to completely destroy your credit card to avoid potential identity theft. Image courtesy of BernardaSv via Getty Images.

Once you’re sure the card has been closed, cut up your card to mitigate the risks of identity theft. While you’re at it, shred any paper statements that you no longer need, too.

8. Find a new card that will love you better.

Now, it’s on to the exciting part: finding a new card. Luckily, determining the best credit card for your lifestyle is much easier than finding an actual romantic partner. You won’t have to endlessly swipe right or go on a bunch of awkward first dates. You can start by reviewing these top travel rewards credit card offers.

Have you recently decided it was time to break up with a credit card? What were your warning signs?

Featured image courtesy of skynesher via Getty Images.